Do people really know what depression is? Do they understand how it plays with your mind, clouds your decision making skills, mixes up your perceptions…

It’s a cycle. The conversation in your mind during situations that you are supposed to be happy in is twisted. You know you should be happy. You are sort of happy. You know you normally would be happy, but somewhere inside, you brain is telling you no.

Honour the depression. You are not allowed to be happy in this situation. Don’t show happiness in front of others. Don’t show them you can be happy or they will expect it all the time. Don’t show that picture of you smiling… it’s a fake smile – don’t they know that? Don’t let yourself think you were happy there. Depression is in control, not you. And it’s stronger than you are.

Other times life is whizzing by you and you are inside your head thinking, “Don’t they know how much help I need? Don’t they know I can’t make small talk? I’m stuck cycling through negative thoughts and you don’t get it. Can’t you hear me?” And then comes the guilt. “How could I be so selfish? How can I be so insensitive to others? Why can’t I turn it off? I must be such a drag to be around.”

The insecurity creeps in. Once, you enjoyed attention and social outings. Now you avoid these situations because they will only make you cry. SNAP OUT OF IT! You think you should be able to snap out of it. You feel sorry for yourself. You worry you are going to lose everyone around you. You are forcing yourself to do healthy things… all the right things… and yet you still feel the same. How can I be doing everything right and still feel so depressed? That’s the illness and it’s secret.

You can’t see depression on others. How many people are seriously dealing with this, masking it during daily routines, then sobbing when alone. Needing someone to be there, but wanting to be alone? No one says the right thing. Where is the quick fix? Why is there such a stigma attached to it? Why do people look down on others instead of reaching out? Depression isolates you. You can be in a room full of people, but very alone. Everything hurts. You are tired. You don’t have the skills or resources to do any simple tasks which involve taking care of others because you are too busy managing your own needs and inner struggles. You are in survival mode. You start to resent people who can’t see it. You resent people who seem to be able to be so easily happy.

If you know someone who is depressed, don’t give up on them. They will know you have your limits and need to take care of yourself. They may need space. They may act strange. It may be hard for you to watch from the outside. Somewhere deep down in their minds, even if they can’t show it there is a deep appreciation for those who keep coming back. Hopefully one day they will be able to celebrate with you without guilt, or smile with no negative messages passing through their brain. Hopefully they will find a way to release the grips, find peace within themselves, quiet the mind. Come up from the underworld… see the sun shine.

A person has to do much of this healing and personal reflection on their own. Sometimes it’s our friends who pick up the shell of the body and help put it back together... when we are ready.

I'm a student again!

This photo is so indicative of where my life is going these days! When I look back to where I was 8 months or a year ago, I think to myself how much things have changed! The spark to change jobs happened in a conversation with my husband - I think I said to him something to the effect that I would retire early and he would keep working because he is such a workaholic. "Oh no", he said, "My pension kicks in at 55. You can keep working." I'm still not sure if he was joking or not, but part of me thought maybe I should take my life into my own hands. I realized I was also ready to trade in the challenges of the old job for new challenges. After applying unsuccessfully for 2 positions with the government, I resigned myself to the fact that I probably wasn't qualified enough. A third, even higher, position was posted, and I thought it would be a long shot but this time I enlisted the help of my friends to change up the resume. I was called for the interview and attended what in my mind was the worst interview anyone had ever done in history. I still got the job, a higher salary and my own pension plan! Unfortunately I gave up all my holidays - summers, winter and spring break. I worked all summer long, reminding myself that I wanted this.

Since changing jobs and adjusting to the government civil service culture, I view things a little differently. I have taken a huge step and have gone back to University to finish a degree. I have been to several classes and it has been another huge adjustment. I am in a class with students who are way younger than I am! I keep telling myself during class time that I need to keep my mouth shut and keep my judge in check. Everyone is on their own path of learning and there is no right and wrong when it comes to our discussions in the classroom. I hear comments from other students and actually I smile to myself, wondering, "How will the professor redirect this comment and bring the conversation back to the topic?" I am not on the teaching end, and I rather like it. I do realize I am not smarter than these students, I'm just in a totally different life space than they are. I have a long journey ahead of me until this degree is completed, but this just fits in with my philosophy - never stop learning.

In addition to work and school, I can add "play" into the mix. I will be acting in another play soon, a tragedy. It's not the type of play I prefer, as of course I like to be the one who gets a laugh out of an audience. I will be playing a swedish kitchen lady from the 1800s. Hah! They have said that I will need to be "uglified". We have also planned a trip, something to look forward to when we will need a much needed break! This tea cup comes from the very place we are going!

So today's was not a funny blog entry, but an update of sorts. I had asked permission at work to take on one more doula client and I am currently waiting for a little baby girl who has decided that she needs a little more time in the comforts of her mother's womb. It feels good that during all this change, I am still able to keep a part of the "previous" me alive.

Kicking, Boobs, and Panties. It's not what you think...

Throughout the course of my career I have encountered many wonderful, creative children and have an appreciation for the way a 3 year old's mind works. I admire the awe with which children see the world and the lack of baggage we as adults carry with us. I aspire to see life through a child's eyes!
Here are a few funny stories that have stayed with me over the years and a fun tea cup ornament sent to me by another one of my cherished friends.
During my early childhood development training, I completed several practicum placements in child care centres. I was observed by instructors carrying lists and lists of checklists of things they were looking for in my interactions with the children. I was being observed that day while getting a group of children ready for an outside excursion. I noticed a child looking at me intently while I was helping another child put her boots on. He finally came to and asked me a very important question. "Are you pregnant?" Oh boy. I answered honestly, "No I'm not." I knew he had recently had a birth in his family. He thought for another moment and asked, "Then why are your boobs so big?"
My instructor just happened to be there to see me blushing, rendered speechless for a few seconds. He then got the blanket answer every child gets with such questions... "Everyone is different my friend... everyone is different!" Hilarious.
Now in my new job I am on the other side, being the one who observes others. I was recently in a centre following an Early Childhood Educator around writing madly all that was said and done. There was some bustling happening through the corner of my eye and a child started to cry. The "ECE" went over, picked her up and hugged her. She asked the other children in the area, "Why is she crying?" After a few moments of thought, a child stood up and admitted his guilt saying, "I didn't kick her."
The last little anecdote comes from a time when I was a director of a nursery school. There was a child who was extremely shy and quiet, and it was a little concerning at the time. She had difficulty talking to the other children and often played by herself. A few months later after working with her, I had the opportunity to escort her to the bathroom. As I was waiting for her outside the stall I engaged her in a little conversation. I commented, "I see how well you are playing with the other children lately! That must feel good! You are making lots of friends!" From the bathroom stall I hear her enthusiastically agree with me. "YEAH!" ...pause... "It's because I have nice panties."
"I should try that sometime," I answered.

Change

With change there always comes some loss and some broken feelings. So much change has entered my life recently and I had begun to feel like I was spinning out of control. Things have settled and it is always much easier to reflect on your situation after time has passed.
So what has changed? The major change recently has been a switch in jobs. The whole process from beginning to end put me on edge. The choice to leave a job not with out it's stresses, but full of comfort and the known for something unknown and challenging was a big step. Oh sure, one can talk about changing jobs, looking for more money, needing something different, but actually doing it is all together something separate! It was so easy to complain. It was so easy to look at postings. It was even easy to send in the resume because I never thought it would come to it. Then the call came and decisions had to be made. I knew that I would take the position if they offered it, I just didn't like the feelings it would bring up. Hugs all around and 2 weeks of crying made up my last two weeks of working with pregnant women and a support staff that would have carried me through the complaining and challenges of the job for years to come. But it was my time and I owed it to myself to try. No more babies to rock and love. One last birth to attend to make the change even harder.
I learned that you feel much more appreciated when you are about to change. Almost as though I was put on a pedestal, the connections I made deepened with the girls I worked with. I thought to myself, "All this praise now, why couldn't they have said all this before?" But all was said and done and I left on good terms.
I am now a civil servant, with a desk and an office. I still impact people's and children's lives in a very important way in that I am part of a regulatory system for people working in early childhood. I have a flexible schedule and get to travel offsite a bit. I am still teaching and assessing, just in a different way.
AND... I feel broken. It is a difficult thing, having to learn a whole new set of rules. I am the novice now, where I was the expert only six weeks ago. Today I had to redo one task three times, because why do it the easy way when you can do it the hard way? All this change - it's a good thing for me, I know it is.
Other changes? Well we have decided to renovate our basement. In fact, we gutted it down to the cement. This meant cleaning, shuffling, moving items, getting rid of things storing others and purchasing new items. In all the kerfuffle I bumped a table and off fell one of my favourite tea cups. I am amazed that there was only one fatality, but I am sad it had to be this one. So, with change there has to be a bit of loss, and I am experiencing some loss of the familiar, loss of space, loss of a feeling of confidence and the loss of a tea cup. And also, where has the time gone?!
I'm ok with all the change, because after all, it is the only certainty in life. Wish me luck and resilience!

Humour

So I have learned a few things over the last 7 years working where I do. One of the best things I have come to develop is my appreciation for joking. There are several practical jokes going on in my workplace at any given time, a few of which I am proud to say, have been conjured up by me. Thought I'd share a couple.

1. The big day for Ginger...
A coworker showed me a photo of Ginger that she asked her to get rid of. She was not a fan of this photo as her eyes were shut. Big mistake on her part to trust that we would dispose of it. One morning I wrote a fake article about how great Ginger was at rummaging through donation boxes using only her sense of touch, and maybe smell. I photocopied the article along with picture and placed it between the pages of our daily newspaper for people to discover. I had a second copy which I placed on the table in the back office, quite proud of myself indeed, when all of a sudden I slipped and fell ribs first onto the edge of a counter. Karma dude. Cracked my ribs and couldn't breathe right for 6 weeks. Made the uncontrollable laughter at the joke excrutiatingly hurty. Yes I know, those aren't real words, but the pain deserved a few new ones in it's description to emphasize the situation. I will write to the dictionary people later.
The same day, poor Ginger kept finding her photocopied face posted around the building in peculiar places with her thoughts bubbled above. Upon showing her children the article that night and telling them about her day, one child queried, "Mom, isn't that teasing?" Ginger's reply was that it was our way of showing how much we love her.

2. The write up...
During the course of a meeting I mistakenly called our cd player a "ghetto blaster". I got teased about my "80s terminology" and they joked about writing a formal complaint to my boss. A few days had passed and I forgot about this incident. I was standing in my boss's office and saw my name on a piece of paper under some other piles of paper. I tried look at it without my boss knowing. I saw the words FORMAL and COMPLAINT. It was signed by my coworker and a social worker. My face felt hot and I was trying to figure out what I had done and why it hadn't been addressed with me. It was really bothering me! I started running through scenarios in my head while she was trying to figure something out on the computer. I tried to sneak a better look and saw the words "inappropriate language". Now, knowing how sensitive I can be about these things you can imagine that I was in panic mode and feeling pretty rotten about myself. I tried once more to see what was written on the page and saw the word Ghetto and how I might be insensitive to people living in poor situations. It all hit me and I knew finally it was a joke. I pointed at the paper on her desk and said, "I think you should pull these two in here and write them up for inappropriate write ups!!!" She laughed. It took me a good few hours to get the panic out of my system. That joke worked even better than they planned!

3. Surprise pony...
A topic of discussion that was prevalent at work was how we needed to be respectful and quiet in the hallways, so as to not wake up any women on bed rest. One day a large stuffed pony came to us in donations. It came at least up to my knee. I walked down with another staff to Joan's office, had the staff open the door for me and I placed the pony on the inside to greet her the next time she walked in. Apparently the scream was heard at the front of the building. Bad girl. Bad.

4. My boss had a habit of walking into things, especially the corner of her desk. She came in one day to find pillows taped to the edges and corners of her desk.

5. Someone discovered that one of the social workers really liked Bon Jovi. My coworker couldn't let it go and photocopied a photo of him with her. I left a serious business message on her voicemail followed up with, "Whoooooa, half way theeere, Whooooooa-OH! Livin on a prayer!" We came in the next day to find head shots of ours photoshopped onto women wearing wedding dresses and on either side of Bon Jovi.

6. Found in my mail box one day: Pink Message slip. Who called: Brad Pitt. Message for: Me. Box checked: Wants to see you.

7. Missing persons...
A coworker went away for a month's vacation. As I was trying to find a place I could hook up to an internet connection, my boss gave me the master key and told me to try her office. I asked her, if during the course of my internet connection I inadvertently covered her chair in tin foil, would it still be my fault? She said definitely not. Instead of taking the tin foil route, I decided to grab an accomplice and some masking tape. I had her lay down on the floor in the office and I taped a body outline around her with a pregnant belly bump. I snagged a photo from her desk and photocopied it, blacking out her partner's face, with the heading, "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON? This person is wanted for questioning by the authorities..." I posted it in the staff bathroom.

Upon her return I received this gorgeous bamboo cup from Bangkok.








If that isn't positive reinforcement, I don't know what is!
Those are a few of the easily explained jokes. It's nice to work in a place where there is humour, and the humour has spread to other parts of my life!

Le Danse

"Boy knifed, Dies" This is what stares me in the face as I eat my breakfast this morning. Whole wheat toast, 2 slices, with peanut butter - the usual. Between that and my vector cereal with skim milk, the creativity just radiates out of my pores. I glance at a few more headlines, all quite similar in nature. Right.... this is why I don't read the paper. Skip to the crossword! Quick!
So a few interesting things happened to me this week and I figure I don't need a photo of a tea cup EVERY TIME, so here I am to write about them. Also I am currently drinking a cup of tea, so the photo is there is spirit.
A few days ago I was heading to my parent's place to help with some painting. On my way there, 2 vehicles ahead of me, a truck bed opened up and 10 sheets of plywood came flying out the back end. It was a busy road but there was construction and we were limited to one lane so traffic was at a stand still. I decided to pull over and help get the sheets of plywood off the road and onto the curb. I felt pretty good about helping - here was my good deed of the day. We got them all moved and the driver yelled out a huge thanks. I jumped back in the car thinking, "Yup, I did good. I'm not even going to tell anyone about my good deed. Just gonna keep it for myself."
I started turning the wheel of the car and realized something was off. Hmmmm.... My wrist felt funny. Five minutes into the drive I realized that I sprained my wrist. I thought maybe it wasn't that bad and I went to my parent's house to do the painting. Maybe if I moved it, it would just get better. Yeah, 8 years of medical school taught me that.
Ok, no years of medical school and add a little stupidity to that. So much for a friggin good deed! By the time I got home I couldn't keep it in anymore. Let the whining commence! OOOOoooooooouch!
Had I not gone to paint though, I would not have had the fun experience of having my mom cook me lunch. About 5 minutes after she went into the kitchen I heard her scream out, "DAD! FIRE!" Apparently she put some oil in a pot to heat up while she was chopping veggies for the soup and the oil caught fire. Ruined a pot too. Eventually when we did sit down to lunch I took one spoonful from the soup made in a new pot and nudged my dad. "Hey, this taste burnt to you?" Needless to say mom was not impressed at my humour. Even after I tried to tell her the soup was good she had nothing of it. Damn! My humour always seems to get me in trouble.
Speaking of getting in trouble... I went shopping for a pair of ballet slippers today. I like to wear them at work instead of the slippers we have to wear in order to protect the babies playing on the floor. I asked the very English salesman if the sizing was the same as street shoes. In his thickest English accent he proceeded to tell me that no they were different and I needed to pick the slippers based on the type of "donse" I was going to be doing. Me and my big mouth replied, "Oh no, I will not be using them for "donse".
Pause...
He continues as if he didn't just hear me inadvertently making fun of him. I explained what they were for trying REALLY hard not to laugh and then got my arse out of there. Well it makes for a funny story which of course I am sure I will tell over and over.
Tomorrow is another day. Maybe my humour will make people laugh tomorrow instead of get me trouble. The only goal I have for this evening is to set my alarm properly for work tomorrow. OH, and I promise not to knife anyone. I am pretty sure I can handle not adding to the headlines I hate to read.

Ignorance is Bliss

Deep relaxing summer sigh. It is the middle of summer holidays and the half way point always comes with both enjoyment, relaxation and trepidation of going back. What have I accomplished, what still needs to be done, what will I leave unfinished? Remember when you were a child and summer vacation felt like it went on forever? You didn't even know when school was starting again and it felt good to be happy in the moment.
It leads me to a question that has been on my mind for a while now. They say to be happy, you need to always think happy thoughts. A theory is, that even when things are falling apart around you, you should imagine them together in your mind's eye. You should even say to yourself, "I'm am happy and appreciative now that.... (insert wish here)". What is the real reality? Is ignorance REALLY bliss? Take the innocent child who doesn't know what kinds of terrible things could happen to them on the street. They are happy to the core until something or someone happens to them. When they know the possibilities their life is changed.
I have this fear of the unknown. Why am I frightened of being naive or taken advantage of? Isn't it better to "know"? But I was so happy when I didn't... Is it a real shame to go through life not knowing if someone has wronged you, or is it better to be able to keep trust in people and not know? The person who knows is often miserable. I find it an interesting concept.

I suppose I will try to take this opportunity to think positively and feel as though my "cup runneth over". And LOOK what it's running over with! These are medals from 3 of the 4 races I participated in during the last 3 months along with an espresso cup from a far away place. Thanks to a "not as far away" friend for thinking of me on his holiday!